You win universe, you win

Once, while waiting for a train in Japan, I noticed the sound of birds chirping. "My, that's odd," I thought to myself. "I've never heard a bird chirping while walking outside in Japan. It must be because they've all chosen to congregate inside the train station. I guess when you don't have trees, this is the next best thing." After a while. I noticed that the singing did not vary in any way... the pitch, volume and melody were constant. Of course! It was merely being played though the speakers. There were no actual birds.

More recently, I was shopping for groceries in France. While in the produce section, I noticed that my thoughts were drowned out by the sounds of the rain forest. More specifically, it sounded like a large bird of prey was attacking a spider monkey. Not one to be fulled twice, I knew there were no actual birds or monkeys in the store. By the way, is there some research that shows that sounds of nature make people want to spend more money? Because personally, it kind of made me want to duck and run for cover. I didn't know who that bird was coming for after it got done with the monkey.

After living abroad for almost 4 years, 3 of them in Japan, I assume any nature that I see or hear is contrived and fake in some way. Bird songs are taped, trees occur only in neat rows.

One day this week, I was on my way to the store when I heard a very loud bird chirp. I jumped and took the earphones out of my ears. There were lots of people walking around, and at first I thought that a person must have made the noise. I looked around for the culprit, but the noises didn't seem to have a specific source. Then I realized that they must have installed speakers in the square. I looked around to figure out where they were. Maybe they got some of those fake rock speakers, I thought. The sounds were quite loud, and I was unnerved by it all. I looked and looked for the speakers, to no avail. Just when I was about to give up and go inside, I realized that I was standing next to a tree. I looked up, and sure enough, there was a bird. The bird chirping was coming from an actual bird.

I may never recover from what Japan has done to me.

Le best-of, part deux

Category: Best trains

First place: Japan. This was yet another close one between France and Japan. In the end, however, Japan was able to edge out France mostly due to the lack of strikes. Japanese trains are pretty convenient for traveling short and long distances. They are safe, clean, and reliable. In three years in Japan, I experienced one delayed train, and it was only 5 minutes late. The problem with Japanese trains is that they can be fairly expensive, especially for long trips. And although they have the famously fast Shinkansens (Bullet Trains), they only serve a few large cities.

Second place: France. Were it not for its infamous strikes, France could actually have taken this one from Japan. The train system in France is fairly extensive. Fast trains go many places, not just the largest cities. In addition, it's inexpensive, especially if you're under 25.

Third place: The US. Again, a category in which the US doesn't even deserve to place. One of the things I miss the most when I'm in the US is taking the train.

Category: Best postal system

First place: I didn't want to do this, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to give out a tie in this category: Japan and the US. Both systems are efficient and reliable. Japan's post offices are slightly better in that I've never had to wait in line for more than 3 minutes. The US's post offices are slightly better in that the staff is generally very knowledgeable. I've never, for example, asked a US postal worker for a particular form, and then had to wait while they consulted their superior amidst lots of hmming and awwing and sucking in of breath. This exact situation may have happened in Japan.

Third place: France. No surprises there really. I've never waited in line for fewer than 10 minutes at a French post office. Usually it's closer to 30 minutes. Then when I finally get to the front of the line, the person "helping" me usually acts as though I'm keeping them from something much better they have to do. Smoke a cigarette? Chat with someone on the phone? I don't know, really. And then, god forbid I ask for something slightly unusual. International stamp? What's that?

Category: Best food

First place: France. I really wanted to give this category to a surprise victor, but France has undeniably excellent cuisine. Again, the cliche is proven true. France has several edges over other countries in this category. To begin with, not only is the haute cuisine delicious, the common man's food is excellent as well. I swear, even the lettuce is better in France. They can out-sandwich the rest of the world. Second, they have cheese. You have not lived until you've seen the cheese aisle at a French grocery store. Not only is there an incredible variety of cheeses, most cost less than 2 euros.

Second place: Japan. I have to confess to being somewhat impartial in this category since I am such a fan of tofu. Japan has some great tofu dishes: agedashi dofu, mabo dofu... Japan also does fish and rice very well. Japan gains points in this category for two additional (and surprising) dishes: karaage and the MOS Burger. Karaage is essentially fried chicken, but Japan manages to do it exceptionally well. It's crispy and juicy and bite-sized. The MOS Burger is the most perfect hamburger ever created. I never liked hamburgers before, because they never lived up to my expectations. I wanted them to be juicy and tasty and satisfying, but they were usually dry and dull. Then I had a MOS Burger, and my world was forever changed. It was everything I imagined a hamburger could be and more. Japan loses points in this category for its overall lack of variety and because it is a cheese-scarce country.

Third place: The US. It was very hard to figure out where the US fit in this category. On the one hand, there is an unparalleled variety of food in the US. On the other hand, traditional American dishes come up short when compared to French or Japanese cuisine.

Job Creation

France has interesting and creative ways of dealing with unemployment. The 35-hour work week is one method they use. Instead of creating more jobs, this practice just means that stores are closed more often than they should be. Another thing they do is create superfluous jobs. I came face to face with someone given such a job the other day.

I am a teacher. Teachers need lots of copies of things so they can teach. When I began my job here, I was given a card so I could make copies in the teachers' room. This card only allowed me to make 250 copies, however, which is not nearly enough for someone who teaches 10 classes a week. I looked around at the teachers I worked with and noticed that they had seemingly endless mountains of copies and wondered where they came from. Finally, one of the other assistants clued me in.

"There's a guy on the first floor. It's his job to make the copies. Just give him your document and he'll copy it for you."

This sounded strange to me, so I held out until my card ran out and I needed more copies for a class to go see him.

Last Monday morning, I approached the door to his office. There was a sign posted on the door with his picture and the hours he worked. I timidly knocked on the door and then entered.

"Hey, um, I heard you made photocopies here," I stammered.

"Well, that depends," he replied. "I don't make copies for students."

"Um, actually, I'm not a student," I said defensively. "I'm the English language assistant."

"Well in that case, you need to fill out the sheet over there." Great. There's even bureaucracy involved in getting copies made. I got a sheet and began filling it out. I needed 30 copies of an article. At the bottom, there was a place for me to put when I would pick them up. I didn't write anything, since I was hoping for my request to be fulfilled immediately. I handed him the form.

"You didn't put when you would pick them up. You must allow 72 hours, so you can pick them up Thursday morning."

Speechless does not begin to cover it. THREE DAYS? FOR 30 COPIES? I didn't have a choice however. I was late to class, and this man did not seem like he was in the mood to be argued with. And besides, with zero copies left on my card, he was my only hope. I couldn't afford to piss him off. Without saying a word, I wrote the date at the bottom. Then I thanked him and left. After all, he may have been the one with a completely useless job, but I was the one
dependent on someone with a completely useless job.