Morality Quiz

I was concerned that when I moved back to the United States, I would no longer have anything to write about on the blog, that I would have to resign myself to writing my memoirs of Japan and France. Oh how the events of last week proved me wrong.

Living where I do, there's basically no work available for a trilingual monkey expert, so I have had to look for work that I am, shall we say, overqualified for. The sad part is, I am usually rejected from such jobs. Last Sunday, I perused the classified for jobs that someone might possibly hire me for. There was one ad for temporary work to help stock a new store--Bed Bath & Beyond--opening soon in my town.

They were doing the hiring en masse at a hotel in town. So I went to the hotel at the appointed time and joined about 15 other people filling out applications in a small conference room. The application was normal enough; and when I turned it in, I was given a survey to fill out. At first, I thought nothing of it, figuring it to be a survey about the interview process or the company itself. But as I opened it up, I realized it was a survey of a completely different nature. It was a multiple choice and true/false morality quiz.

I hope my readers can appreciate the utter absurdity of having a morality quiz; for, as anyone who does well on tests can tell you, you have to mark what you think the teacher wants you to mark and not what you feel is the correct answer. It's all a game to score the most points. This is only the absurdity inherent in the test, however, and it does not compete with the absurdity of most of the questions.Most of the questions centered unsurprisingly on shoplifting and taking from one's company. They problem was that these accounted for 2/3 of the questions and the same thing was asked over and over.

Here is a sampling of the questions from the multiple choice portion of the quiz:

I have shoplifted in the last week.

A. Definitely true.
B. Somewhat true.
C. Somewhat false.
D. Definitely false.

So far, so good...

I believe all adults shoplift from time to time.

A. Definitely true.
B. Somewhat true.
C. Somewhat false.
D. Definitely false.

My friends shoplift.

A. Definitely true.
B. Somewhat true.
C. Somewhat false.
D. Definitely false.

I believe it's ok to use a company phone for personal calls.

A. Definitely true.
B. Somewhat true.
C. Somewhat false.
D. Definitely false.

I believe it's ok to do something illegal on my lunch break.

A. Definitely true.
B. Somewhat true.
C. Somewhat false.
D. Definitely false.

I believe it's ok to drink on the job as long as it doesn't affect my performance.

A. Definitely true.
B. Somewhat true.
C. Somewhat false.
D. Definitely false.

And my personal favorite on the multiple choice:

Would you lie to get ahead?

A. Definitely true.
B. Somewhat true.
C. Somewhat false.
D. Definitely false.

I love this question because if you think about it, there is only one possible answer. Either you don't lie to get ahead and don't think it's ok, in which case you mark D. Or, you do lie to get ahead, but don't want to admit that to a prospective employer because it will keep you from getting hired, in which case you mark D. It's a self-fulfilling question.

The test got a little tedious after a while (there were 80 questions like that), but at least it was clear what answer you were supposed to put. On the true false section, things became a little less clear.

True or False? A main cause of people stealing is the social condition of the individual and not the individual himself.

Dear test makers, I believe this question is slightly out of the scope of the true/false format. I am pretty sure that politicians, religious leaders, psychologists and sociologists have spent many years researching and debating this issue. I was not prepared to declare it definitively true or false today, without warning.

True or False? Living on the streets requires that you take what you can and not worry about anyone else.

I'm sorry, test makers, but I have not lived on the streets and therefore cannot answer this question. The only thing I know about life on the streets is that I would most certainly not survive.

True or False? I believe life has been unfair to me.

At this point, I could barely contain my laughter, but decided it was best not to openly mock a morality quiz, so I held it in as much as possible. I had not expected to face such harsh questions about my life, and in true-false format.

I finished the quiz and turned it in. Eventually I was called for my interview, where I pleaded for a job like I never had before. The result? No call-back. Either I'm not qualified to stock shelves or I'm just not moral enough.